I lead men’s work and tantra workshops now—but decades ago, that would have been inconceivable to me.
It has been a long road to get to this point, and what I am going to share with you in this first part of the series has been essential to my own journey.
Back in my 20s, I was desperately trying to be my idea of a "good guy." I was smart, funny, respectful, and polite. I polished my shoes, washed my car, and even wore a tie to work!
But when I first got into personal development, one of the course leaders said to me, “You are much too nice.” I was shocked—but I realized he was right.
Back then, if I saw a woman I desired, I would look away first, terrified that she might think I was a creep. I remember being at a party, and the ONLY person I didn’t speak to was the one I was attracted to…
Sound familiar?
And if I wanted to initiate sex, I would wait for a sign, feeling like my own desire was an imposition.
Based on my upbringing—and no need to go into those stale details now—I was operating under the belief that my sexual energy was somehow dangerous and that the only way to be likeable was to seem completely safe.
I see this in so many of the men I work with now. We have been conditioned to believe that our "Phallic" energy—that forward-moving, penetrating drive—is something to be managed, hidden, or sanitized.
For a lot of us, being "acceptable" becomes synonymous with being the "Nice Guy.”
The "Nice Guy" is a strategy that says, "If I am compliant enough, if I hide my aggression and my desires, maybe I will be rewarded with love and intimacy."
So yeah, I was a funny, smart, and considered a good-looking kind of guy—and I have a lot of horror stories of bland dates that ended with a handshake...
Clearly, the Nice Guy approach doesn't work. It just leads to us feeling unseen.
And honestly? It usually feels repulsive to the partners we are trying to attract, because there is no authentic energy behind it.
So, after a lot of personal development and getting “real and raw” in therapy groups, I realized the fear I was carrying was that if I unleashed my sexual desire, I would be considered predatory and offensive.
I was shocked by the feedback from women in those groups: that raw sexual drive was not repulsive but rather, exciting and inspiring. Who knew?
For all of us as guys, we see the news, we hear the stories of “toxic men” and may think, "I never want to be like that." So we shut it all down.
But here’s the key: There is a massive difference between being Predatory and being Primal.
Predatory is about taking advantage. It is sneaking, manipulating, and using force because a man feels weak.
Primal is about owning one’s passion. It’s looking a partner in the eyes and letting them feel the weight of that desire, without needing to apologize for it.
Sexual power is fuel. It’s creative. And yeah, it can start families and even build empires. Again—who knew? Clearly, I didn't, back in those days.
So I invite you to try something this week:Just notice the "Apology."
Notice when you shrink. Notice when you want to look at someone’s body and feel a desire for it, but look down instead. Notice when you want to speak up to make a connection but stay silent to stay “safe.”
You don’t have to change it all overnight, just start to notice. When you feel a sexual desire bubble up, instead of shoving it down, just say to yourself internally:"I WANT THAT.”
"I want her - I want to share my sexual energy - I want to come out of my self-imposed cage!”
You don’t even have to act on it yet. Just stop lying to yourself about your desires. Feel the surge of energy that comes when you simply admit the truth of your own sexual impulse.
Consider that being “nice” all the time is not being a virtuous man—it's inauthentic, and that is not a virtue. A Phallic Man is potent because he owns the power of his desires, and then decides how best to use it for connection.
I invite you to try this out, in the coming week.
Ho! Ayot-- And yeah, if this blog speaks to you, let us know the comment section below -
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